Conflicts: When The Tail Wags The Dog

Let's start with a great quote:  "If two men (people) on the same job agree all the time, then one is useless. If they disagree all the time, then both are useless." That quote is by Darryl F. Zanuck.

All over the world, relationships among people, nations, organizations, races, genders, socio-economic groups, and the like are deteriorating quickly. It seems like the more we talk about having love, diversity, harmony, inclusiveness, and tolerance, the more those things slip away into more conflicts. In today’s world, some people would kill for the Nobel Peace Prize. There's a relationship problem. Prejudice, hate, always being right, or living in the smugness of moral superiority are wrong ways to relate. 

Someone said that anger, if not transformed, becomes anger transferred in the form of hate or fear. You will never get ahead of others as long as you're trying to get even with them. Conflicts can be constructive or destructive, depending on whether we let a temporary negative turn into a permanent one.

I'd like to share some ideas about handling conflict constructively. Years ago, I found this outline by an unknown author. These twelve solutions can help us navigate the roaring seas of conflict that can arise in any relationship. In fact, conflict implies a relationship. Our differences may not go away, but our hostilities can. 

Here's your 12-point road map to a better future.    

1. Constructive Conflict Management is agreeing on a time and place to talk it out. Destructive Conflict Management catches the other person off guard. Allow the other party time to gain perspective and have their feelings in check. The outcome should be resolution, not winning. If possible, find a middle ground to agree upon. That’s called negotiation, not compromise.

2. Constructive Conflict Management is assertively and honestly expressing your feelings. Destructive Conflict Management is passively suppressing or repressing your feelings. Superior, controlling silence does nothing to resolve anything. Listen. Speak the truth in love, not with a shove. Love says, “I feel, I think, and I would like.” Each party should have the opportunity to say, “This is how I felt when…/This is what I thought when…/This is what I would like to resolve this problem." The feel/think/would way of communicating brings clarity and understanding.  

3. Constructive Conflict Management depersonalizes problems. CCM focuses on the problem, not the person. Destructive Conflict Management personalizes the disagreement: "They never liked me." Learn to separate the person from the problem.

4. Constructive Conflict Management selects a neutral referee or counselor to lead the discussion. Destructive Conflict Management enlists friends to referee. Everyone complains about a biased referee during a sports game. So will the friends from each party. Don't 'stack the deck' with biased friends. Friends are great for support, but not very good referees. 

5. Constructive Conflict Management requires each party to have a positive, mature attitude. Destructive Conflict Management aims to make the atmosphere as negative and vindictive as possible. Henry Ford said, "Don't find fault. Find a remedy." Hurt people hurt people. If we get out of the hurt, we get back in the hunt.

6. Constructive Conflict Management is about understanding when something goes wrong and seeking a solution. Destructive Conflict Management is when something goes wrong, and you find someone to blame. Fix the blame, and you can't fix the problem. Blame-shifting is shame-shifting. Destructive Conflict Management is a great strategy to avoid responsibility. But in the end, the basic problem is that we have done nothing about it.

7. Constructive Conflict Management focuses on specifics and simplifies the situation. DCM generalizes and exaggerates the other person's wrongs. Someone once said, "No one appreciates constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it." The idea is to solve the problem, not win the argument or personalize. Be specific. What you focus on is what you become. 

8. Constructive Conflict Management is when both parties are open, present, and available. Destructive Conflict Management is when one or both parties are silent and superior. Conflict resolution requires approaching rather than avoiding. Being silent and superior makes issues impossible to resolve. It becomes more about maintaining power and being in control. 

9. Constructive Conflict Management affirms each one's individual responsibility in the predicament. Destructive Conflict Management blames someone or something else. Someone once said, "Love your enemies. Without them, you'd probably have nobody to blame but yourself." Don't get stuck in avoidance mode. No more 'Yes, buts!' Maturity is taking responsibility for our part of the problem, opening the door to resolution. 

10. Constructive Conflict Management is understanding that when problems arise, we work them out. Destructive Conflict Management takes another course. When problems arise, you walk out. Anger moves against; fear moves away; but love moves towards. 

11. Constructive Conflict Management listens, waits, and learns. Destructive Conflict Management presumes, assumes, and dominates. Remember, communication is a two-way street, not the one-way radio street of broadcasting without receiving.  

12. Constructive Conflict Management forgives, tries to find a resolution, establishes future boundaries, and then moves on. Destructive Conflict Management stubbornly demands unrealistic guarantees and micromanages. It's easier to get into forgiveness than to get out of unforgiveness. Forgiveness makes the future possible. 

Would you like to be blessed? Be a peacemaker. The Scripture says, "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall inherit the earth." And remember, the first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest. Otherwise, the tail is wagging the dog.