“We’re Both On The Same Side!”

Let’s start this article with some awkward relationship quotes to consider. 

“You will never get ahead of others as long as you're trying to get even with them.” 

"I was going to enroll in an assertiveness training class, but my wife said I didn't need it." 

"No one appreciates constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it.” 

"Love your enemies. Without them, you'd probably have nobody to blame but yourself." 

"My teenage son is at peace with himself, but he still fights with everyone else." 

“Enjoy your kids while they are still young and on your side.”

How we handle conflict can either strengthen or weaken us, especially in today's highly emotional and frustrated world. Whenever people interact, there will occasionally be problems, misunderstandings, arguments, and disillusionment. The truth is, we either manage conflict or let conflict manage us. Resolving issues is much more productive and emotionally healthier than 'polarizing' or separating over disagreements.

Jesus expressed it well in Matthew 18:7. "Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse, and it's doomsday if you do." He was talking about troubled relationships when he said that. The good news is you and I don't have to make the conflict worse. This is especially true if both parties want to resolve the issues.

In his book, "Something Else to Smile About," Zig Ziglar tells a story that may offer you some hope in a roadmap out of conflict and into negotiation, ultimately leading to peace.  

“Three bullies confronted a young boy with violence in mind. Quickly, the little guy drew a line in the ground, stepped back several feet, looked at the biggest bully in the eye, and said, ‘Now, you just step over that line.’ Confidently, the big bully stepped over the line, preparing to commit mayhem on the little guy. Quickly, the little guy grinned and said, ‘Now we’re both on the same side.’”

Ziglar notes that, although they were physically on the same side, they remained emotionally and mentally distant from each other. The bullied boy increased his chances of connecting emotionally with a touch of wit and wisdom. This thought may seem minor to you, but it offers a valuable lesson in diffusing most crises, and even resolving some. 

Whether it's a parent-child, management-labor, husband-wife, teacher-student, or customer-supplier relationship, or even a philosophical relationship within a nation or organization, both parties are ultimately on the same side. The best way for either side to succeed is if both sides succeed. Of course, that will require all parties to undergo a 'checkup from the neck up' and engage in negotiations. No one should get their own way all the time. The key is doing what is best for the entire organization or relationship. The more extreme or entrenched you get (like that bully), the less chance there is for a win-win or peace.

Here's a second lesson we can learn from this story. A sense of humor can help remove communication barriers by showing your human side and building rapport. Years ago, I witnessed this lesson in action when my oldest son was on the school baseball team. At that time, He was awkward and appeared unathletic because he was growing so quickly. 

One time, he tripped over his own feet during a break between plays. Instead of feeling embarrassed or defensive, he took a bow to his team in the dugout. The team, rather than getting mad or doubting my son's athleticism, clapped and cheered for him. Essentially, he showed the team that we’re all on the same side. That act of humility created rapport.

Like the bullied boy in the story, my son used humor, showing his human side. At that time, he seemed clumsy and unathletic to some, but now he is six feet two inches tall. In three years, he learned to play golf himself. His handicap is between six and seven, and he regularly hits the ball 290 to 330 yards. He was only waiting for this moment to arise.

Here’s another lesson we can learn from this story. Sometimes, the perceived big bully needs to move to the other side of the table to see what the other side is experiencing and understand their perspective. Sometimes, this leads to understanding and sparks ideas for conversation from both sides of the line.

The final lesson Ziglar emphasizes is that it is “always important and to our advantage to maintain our perspective by being open and fair-minded as we look at life from the other person's or organization's point of view.”

Once, I was speaking at Willow Creek Church in Chicago during the National Association of Ecclesiology conference. I recall that many bishops and leaders from African American churches in the Chicago area were in attendance. One of these bishops made a statement in his presentation that I have never forgotten. He stated that most white pastors (like me) see the biggest sin of all as sexual sin. He agreed that sexual sin is indeed a sin. Then he told me, "But to most African American pastors, the sin of all sins is when widows and orphans are not cared for." James 4:27. 

After this encounter, I realized what the African American community is facing. I understand their perspective. We're both on the same side. Both perspectives are biblically sound and spiritually accurate. I hope that's being fair-minded. 

If you're serious about resolving an issue, consider bringing in a neutral party to help both sides step back from their entrenched positions. Negotiation, compromise, and finding common ground are mostly impossible without a neutral third party.

The way is yours, take it!