Americans have been waltzing down the path to “change we can believe in” for nearly three years now but it is obvious that not everyone is getting it yet. Here is all you need to know about Obamachange that will get you speaking Obamanese in the very shortest amount of time.
Because most of these definitions and summaries are now past tense, you will understand that while this guide may seem facetious it is in fact an incredible reality. It is not a joke and it is not laughable in any way.
To be perfectly balanced and fair it must be noted that Barack Obama has kept his promise to produce change in America. He has only failed on the side of it being, something we can believe in. The reality is that for most Americans it can only be described as something that is hard to believe at all.
Marriage: Bad. Traditional marriage between a man and a woman needs to be re-defined along with any attempt to defend that unconstitutional new dumb device known as DOMA, Defense of Marriage Act. To blazes with thousands of years of human history, the Bible and all the sensibilities of man ever known.
Gay Marriage: Good. Must stand up for the less than 2 percent of those who want to spend their lives together with their own gender. File under, more mindless mendacities meant to mend minorities. (Say that three times real fast.)
Spending: Good. Must bail out big corporations and spread the rest of the wealth around in entitlements, it is good for garnering votes and helps people in their pursuit of happiness; at other people’s expense. How about that Solyndra thing?
Debt: Good! Real good! However we are sorry to say, only the sky is the limit because money for the space program is in short supply. We will have to keep it down to earth unless we can find a way to convince those stodgy Republicans in the House to loosen up and raise that silly debt ceiling. Perhaps we can scare our seniors to death by telling them their Social Security checks might not be in next month to get those sluggish Republicans to get going. Too late; he already did that.
Taxes: Good. How can we raise the debt ceiling unless you cough up a lot more money in taxes? Also we may need to send Michelle Obama on another billion dollar vacation to Spain should she require it. Better to be prepared, rather than have a flustered first lady, who can no longer guide us in the serious work of counting calories.
Abortion: Good. Why should those who want to play; be saddled with the price to pay. What 153 million abortions since 1973? The high priests of science think they can explain things like quantum physics and origins of the universe but still cannot discern when life really begins for our own species. Could it be that they have stopped asking the question? Who cares that for the majority of Americans, the question and the answer, were never in doubt. But don’t worry; the lives of unborn whales, seals, monkeys and brown haired stinky mice are still very safe here in America.
Muslim Brotherhood: Good. We know jihad is an avowed goal and way of life for Muslims but for the sake of diplomacy can’t we overlook a dangerous life threatening religious doctrine or two? Over two hundred years of Middle East strife, war and unrest can be reversed with one single act of political recognition by the changemaster.
Immigration: Good. Let’s be civil if you are already here, we don’t care how you got here. You can get aid, food stamps and tuition for school, and don’t forget to get your families to vote for the change man in return. Taxpayer money has bought and paid for those votes, and that makes taxpayers complicit in some way; doesn’t it?
Liberal Supreme Court Justices: Good. We’ve got four and a swing vote, and we’re working on a fifth. You had better start working on your own fifth (Well aged scotch highly recommended) so once the change is made you will be too numb to notice that the court is already overrun with flaming liberals.
War in Iraq and Afghanistan: Good and Bad. Liberals ask no questions; they just want us out pronto. Conservatives raise issues about democracy and possible civil wars. Solution: as elections draw near promise to bring some soldiers home for the lefties and leave a few of our boys there for the conservatives; now everybody is happy. Remember there is no word for incongruity in the Obamanese language. There is also no word for victory.
Sharia Law: Good. C’mon, it’s not all that far from a few whacks on your knuckles with your grandfather’s Irish shillelagh. Stoning women for relatively minor offenses, honor killings and cutting off the hands of youthful petty thieves is just a good way of knocking that foolishness right out of them. Remember it’s the Muslim Brotherhood; there is no Muslim Sisterhood and there are no Muslim boys and girls clubs.
Religion: Which one? Hard to tell which one the changemaster really adheres to, it is sort of obscure and hard to understand. Oh, that’s right, that is what Obama said about passages of the Bible that call homosexuality an abomination. Either way, they are both obscure and hard to understand. Want to get along in our new world of change, just remember, “Don’t ask – Don’t tell” is something Obama wants removed from the military but not necessarily from his own private or public life.
Change: You decide. Is it Barack Obama’s way of saying “I did it my way?” Is it close to Lincoln’s vision of endless continuity for this land of the free? Can it compare to this definition: “that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” (Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, PA November 1863) If it is not, then please disregard all I have said and go back to being the America that you were before the Obama administration, and for the sake of God and country, do not change.
Please note that nothing said here is meant to be funny nor is it meant as tongue in cheek humor. What is happening in America today is not funny but it is absurd and very difficult to believe in the light of a 234 year history of amazing national dignity. Keep in mind that while it is true that our government should not be so big, it must also be said that it should not be so goofy either.
Copyright ©2011 Rev. Michael Bresciani