After much consideration, I have decided to become a leftist. Here's why:
As a leftist, I have a right to a living wage. I was born with this right and under the system of social justice Obama and friends are implementing, rich fat cats are under an obligation to pay for my rights.
As a leftist, I also have a right to free health care, a roof over my head, and food on my table. And as long as I keep voting for Democrats, this right will be protected and, hopefully expanded.
As a solid member of the left, I have the right to abort my baby, and even have other people pay for it. I also have the right to free (taxpayer funded) birth control and my boyfriend has the right to obtain sexual enhancement aids for free. Not that he needs them, but, hey, they're free.
As a leftist, I have the right to indulge in sluttish behavior with whomever I want. Not only that, I can describe myself as 'empowered' instead of merely being a tramp.
Being a good leftist, I have the right not to be insulted. My behavior is sanctioned by my fellow leftists and it has been decided that anyone who insults me is, by nature, a bigot, and therefore of no consequence.
I also have the right to redefine words. And the right to ridicule anyone who objects. Especially if they're white Christian males.
Best of all, I am under no obligation to back up my feelings with facts. We on the left understand very well that any and all criticism coming from the right is motivated by hate and therefore invalid.
As a leftist, I don't have to worry about the consequences of my actions. It is understood that as long as my intentions are pure, the end results don't matter. I want it known that I fully intend to donate my lottery winnings to those poor Haitians, just as soon as I win them. Please pat me on the back. (Wait for the cameras, you idiot!)
Being a leftist entitles me to marry someone of the same-sex. And my children will have the right to choose their own gender. And schools, businesses and agencies that don't accommodate our choices could well be liable for prosecution under the hate crimes bill. How cool is that?
I am also free to choose my own God, or no God. This is a no brainer, as everyone knows that Mother Earth is the source of all spirituality. So as long as I don't litter and I recycle faithfully, I can legitimately claim piety. And as long as I publicly confess my trangressions, there is no need to atone. Whew.
Life as a leftist is good. Having my needs and problems taken care of by the government leaves me free to indulge my inner child. I no longer need to be ashamed of my failures, as I now know that the deck has been stacked against me all my life and those failures were not my fault!
I am now morally justified in walking away from my home mortgage. Those greedy lenders will be left holding the bag. Maybe that will teach them there's more to life than the bottom line.
And the car I got under 'cash for clunkers' won't be paid for either. It’s not my fault I couldn't pay for it. But as soon as I get my discrimination lawsuit settlement from my former boss, I'll be able to get it back. Or maybe a new one.
As a leftist, I need focus only on my rights, and their infringement thereof. The government has decided to shoulder my former responsibilities. And about time!
I am now liberated and empowered. As an added bonus, I am a member of four different victim groups, which allows me to maintain the high moral ground. This is called social justice.
I never knew life could be so good. All rights and no responsibilities! This could only happen in America . And as soon as the U.S. atones for past sins to my satisfaction, I'll be happy to admit that America is not a bad place to live.