News Flash. The new and apparently authentic version of Homer’s Iliad has just been unsurfaced in an archeological dig in Anatolia. It contains new unknown facts about the Trojan War and a completely different version of Homer’s classic from what you remember. Here are some abstracts:

So like this dude Paris from Troy kidnaps the foxy Queen Helen in a terrorist attack on the Peloponnese. But instead of Agamemnon, it turns out the Greeks are REALLY ruled by Rabinemnon, and instead of ordering a siege of Troy, he sends Pereseus as peace Ambassador to Troy. Pereseus makes the following peace offering to the Trojans: The Trojans get to keep Helen, and also half of Attica, Mount Olympus, and all the Ionian islands. In exchange, the Trojans have to agree that Greece will make peace with Troy in exchange for Troy continuing to make war with Greece.

We think these terms are too stingy, reply the Trojans. We agree, observe the villagers from Meretzos. We must give them Athens to serve as their Capital, says Princess Shulamit and Prince Yael from the island of Lesbos.

In order to up the ante, the Trojans launch a series of terrorist attacks on the Greek mainland. They also recruit mercenaries from the Scythians and Parthians. Athens is ready to deal, and signs an accord under which Greece makes peace with Troy and Troy continues to make war on Greece. Troy demands a special passage across the Corinthian isthmus and land concessions in Boethia. The Trojans escalate the terror against Athens until Greece agrees to their terms. The Delphi Sybil is then arrested for incitement.

A new leader is elected in Athens and addresses the Parthenon. We will continue the policies of our predecessors, says Bibiachilles the Heel. So will we, decree Ehudeus the Blind Cyclops and Arialos the Vestal Maid.

A new treaty is signed in which Greece agrees to make a series of "meter ticks" in the form of further territorial concessions. The Trojans respond to these goodwill gestures by burning Greek scrolls and flags and hijacking Greek galleys and by flooding Greece with Greek Fire. Maybe if we agree to be their slaves they will lay off us, suggests Yossios Beilinios, a young eunuch.

At last the Greeks come up with a plan. Let us build an enormous Wooden Lemming, suggests Beilinios. We will fill it with TNT and explosives and roll it on rollers into the center of our capital Athens. We will then release the detonator, and it will blow up Athens for peace. And so the Trojans will accept us and a New Middle Greece will emerge. The Trojan Lemming is the solution for everything!! Trust us. What have we got to lose?

The post-Hellenes rule Athens, preparing the Greeks to leave Greece and begin a new Odyssey, wandering the Greek Diaspora, forever.

Copyright © 2001 by Steven Plaut.
All Rights Reserved.

-Published with permission