The Oslo Final Solution

June 22, 2002

by Steven Plaut

We are the caring people. We are peace-loving. We are the Oslo Camp.

We think people should be equal. We think all nations have the right to self-determination and equality and respect.

And that is why we have come up with a plan for peace. You see, all we have to do is to recognize the PLO in Tunisia as the legitimate representative of the Palestinian people. Instead of pretending that the Palestinians do not exist, we will openly accept them as a nation among the nations, with equal rights to independence, and we will acknowledge the PLO as their spokesmen. We will offer the PLO a deal they cannot possibly reject. We will recognize PLO legitimacy and in exchange they will recognize the legitimacy of Israel. They will be desperate to agree. After all, they are exiled in distant Tunisia, they are pariahs and delegitimized. In exchange for our gestures of peace, they will be overcome with gratitude. They will accept publicly Israel in its pre-1967 borders. They will get their own state. And we will negotiate with them all remaining issues. We will resolve our differences with a sense of fair play, of good sportsmanship, of fairness.

We will arm them. Yes, we know this sounds shocking, but arming them is a crucial part of the deal. As long as they are disarmed, they will feel illegitimate. Peace requires the restoration of their dignity and self-respect. They will not be able to exercise their power unless they have an armed militia. But do not worry. We all know that the Palestinian Authority that will arise will itself be far more threatened by terrorism than will Israel. It will have to battle for its life against the REAL terrorists. Not out of gratitude towards Israel but in its own defense and on its own behalf.

In other words, the Palestinian Authority will be Israel’s military ally against the terrorists. They will fight the terrorists day and night, with no goody-goody Supreme Court or bleeding heart "human rights" groups interfering with them. And they will be successful. Trust us. The danger of infiltration of any terrorists from the realm of the Palestinian Authority into Israel is far less serious than the danger of the infiltration of cable television into Israel, as Shimon Peres has stated.

And there is no serious danger that the PLO will use the weapons we give them against us. After all, they have publicly recanted, they have renounced terrorism. They realize that terror is a dead end, that it simply hurts them. Moreover, on the off chance that the PLO should open fire on us with a single weapon, we will crush them. We will retaliate mercilessly. They fear us. They know the entire world will be on our side. They know this, and so they will not even try.

In addition, once we recognize the PLO, the entire world will rush to our aid and support. Every country on earth will congratulate us and send us investment money. They will understand that we respect the Other, that we are no longer greedy people trying to rule over another nation. The media of the world and the politicians who have been hostile to us will change overnight. Our gestures for peace will be understood by all. It will mean the complete end of anti-Semitism as we know it.

Meanwhile, the PLO will be so busy redressing the unemployment and economic issues for its people that it will never even dream about looking for confrontation with Israel. They will seek coexistence with us because they will be granted by us peacefully everything that they seek. Everything! So they will have nothing more to fight us for!! It is a brilliant tactic. They will have their own little state, which is all they ever really wanted anyway. They know Israel cannot be destroyed and so will abandon their delusions. More importantly, they will have something real to lose, at long last. They will know that if they misbehave, they stand to lose their chance at statehood and independence. The whole world will be behind us!

Look, do not go searching in history for precedents. There are none. History cannot help. History does not matter. You cannot learn anything from history. We are in the post-history era. Where land no longer matters and territory has no significance. What matters are high-tech investments, tourism, and fast food restaurants. Nationality is anachronism. The post-national and postmodern Man is here. The cosmopolitan who cares nothing for these anachronistic divisions. The Palestinians understand this as well as we do.

You can only make peace with your enemies, not with your friends. The Palestinians were our enemies, but now we are telling them we no longer are their enemies. They understand this. They now have something to lose. They seek cooperation with us to achieve mutual goals. Our cooperation is the key to prosperity in the entire Middle East. There will be superhighways crisscrossing the land, and our people can lunch in Damascus and eat dinner in Nablus. Pipelines of peace everywhere. Joint investments and enterprises. Flowering trade. Dividends of peace, as weapons are turned into computers and flowerpots. They want this as much as us. They seek comfort and material well-being, like us. They will cooperate. The name of the game is getting rich together.

So you see, your fears are unfounded. Your calls for slowing down and testing our ideas and conception and our thesis are all unnecessary. We have already had sufficient proof that our concept is correct. Arafat has denounced and renounced terror. We have shaken hands. The whole world is witness. There is no need to hold back and drag our feet. Arafat and his people must be moved into the occupied territories at once. The longer we wait, the longer it will take to achieve full peace. Why wait? The peace is on the shelf, available for instant realization, and we simply have to seize it. Waiting and testing their intentions just extends the agony. And the peace will come faster if we arm them faster. Then Arafat will have the militia he needs to arrest the terrorists and make sure tranquility prevails. His militia will be a force for peace. It will defend us. We can send our boys home. We will subcontract out - let the Palestinians do the policing.

We have a vision of peace. Their schools and ours will teach our common humanity and mutual respect. They will pray for peace and those among us still interested in such archaic customs can also pray. The Israeli Arabs, citizens of Israel, were serve as the best bridge to peace. They will be liaisons, walking ministers of toleration. They will find cultural fulfillment with them, but consumer fulfillment here at home. They will be our best ambassadors to the world. Our gestures will bring them on board.

There will be no more THEM and US. Together we will share interests. They will be come the avant garde of peace. They will draw in the entire Arab and Moslem world. Sure, Libya may be a little slow, but the rest will leap on the bandwagon. After all, there will be nothing left over which to fight with us. The Arabs everywhere will see that the Palestinians have made their peace with us, so what more could they want? What more would they have to fight over? We will trick them. By accepting the Palestinians at our own initiative, we defang the entire Arab and Moslem world. We offer peacefully what they could never achieve through war.

The Palestinians are really just like us. They love their children. They seek good jobs and material comforts. They only want a little place in the sun for themselves. They are willing to compromise, as are we. They realize peace and comfort come before land and intransigence, just like us. They realize violence leads to nothing and achieves nothing.

All that needs to be done is to change our policy. We have to accept them and give up our silly dream of ruling over another people. We have to compromise. Two states for two peoples. Land for peace. Equality of people and equality of peoples. They just want the same as us.

For we really have no choice, no alternative. It is inevitable that we do this. We cannot occupy them forever. And their violence and Intifada and throwing of rocks at our troops is an understandable reaction to the humiliation of occupation. They seek nothing but dignity. They are just like us. We understand that peace is more important than land and attachment to territory is nothing but quaint nostalgic emotion. So let us rise above such nonsense. Let us join hands.

We cannot defy the entire world forever. The entire world has recognized the PLO as the representatives of the Palestinians. And so must we. At that point, we will have allied ourselves with enlightened people all over the world, and shown the world our devotion to peace. Out of Zion will come the word of peace, just like the Prophets promised. We will be the heroes of the world. Everyone will understand our compromises and sacrifices for peace. Everyone will salute us. No more Jew-bashing in the world’s media. The Israeli Jews will be the honored teachers of the earth, the role models, the very embodiment of respect.

The world will be as one. Everyone will pray for peace in their own tongue, to their own Deity. We must rise above history. We will be the post-historic postmodern cosmopolitan humans. No longer will we allow nationality to divide us.

It was inevitable anyway. What have we got to lose? After all, how could things possibly get any worse than they are? Sometimes you must take a chance to achieve real peace. If it fails, we can always just reverse everything. But it cannot possibly fail. It is foolproof. Trust us. What could go wrong? When have we ever mislead you?

Oslo will succeed.
We are staking your life on that!

The above is a proposal for a statement to be read at the trials of the Oslo criminals, once Israel comes to its senses and indicts the people who imposed Oslo on the country, just before final sentencing is handed down.