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Humor

Cartoons by Mark Armstrong Audio Humor Limericks from Shirley Bailey Jokes and more! Visual Humor

Limericks

The Limerick Lady
Shirley J. Bailey

The fili-bluster is nuts
Frist better get some guts
The system's bent
It's "advise and consent"
No ifs or ands or "butts" !!!

Here's how it all began
GITMO FLUSHES KORAN
It caused a riot
To keep 'em quiet
Toss "Newsweak" in the can !!!

Since the great big lie was told
How many heads have rolled?
None, methinks
It really stinks
The bias is getting old !!!

You have to wonder why
Media can outright lie
Create a flap
Leave a gap
And never bat an eye !!!

Congress had to race
To leave their comfy place
Pelosi was blue
She lost a shoe
When a plane had entered her space !!

 
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Satire and Jokes

"The Positive Side of Life"

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ... but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


Do you realize the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you are going to be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony...
YOU BECOME 21! YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.
Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED, we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong?
What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30...
then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa!
Put on the brakes, It's all slipping away!!!

Before you know it, you REACH 50...and your dreams are gone.

But wait, You MAKE IT to 60 You didn't think you would!
So you: BECOME 21 TURN 30 PUSH 40 REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you...HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; You HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle:
You HIT lunch You TURN 4:30 You REACH bedtime.
My grandmother won't even buy green bananas!
It's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one!!
And it doesn't end there...

Into the 90s, you start going backwards:
"I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens.

If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it (healthily) to 100... and a half!


Undeniable Rules of Life!

1. If you're too open minded, your brains fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage
makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you've figured out how to make ends meet, the ends move.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
26. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."


CROSSING THE RIVER

One day three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a raging river.

They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so.

The first man prayed, Saying, " Please God, give me the strength to cross the river." POOF ! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning.

Seeing this, the second man prayed, saying, " Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross the river." POOF ! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to cross the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing.

The third man had seen how this worked for the others, so he also prayed, " Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river. And POOF ! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

 
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Audio Humor
Recording of FBI phone call to the Taliban government. (1.6Mb MP3 file)
 
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Visual Humor
Vote 2004
         

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